Relationships: “Rough Period” or Something More?
JESS.
I speak passionately about emotionally abusive relationships because I survived a few. And while in them, I couldn’t see it: I believed if we fixed ourselves as people, our love would thrive. Articles like this gave me clear, objective signs to finally understand.
When you're in a toxic relationship, there are so many hopes, uncertainties, and "growth points" to focus on. And let’s be honest - it’s too uncomfortable to admit that someone you love so much is... "bad." We have blind spots to protect ourselves.
3 things kept me fighting. My belief that:
This person was, at the core, good and kind. Their past traumas explained their behavior.
I could do something to make them feel better/happier, which can stabilize the relationship.
I had to learn how to be a better partner. Or we were both shitty partners and were "working through it."
Rough period? Or harmful cycle?
All relationships go through rough periods and need room for growth. But how can you tell when something is a harmful cycle?
Frequency: Keep a log of “stable days” and “unstable days.” What triggers the unstable days? Are they mostly issues they have with you?
Am I responsible for their moods/emotions? Do you often do something to upset them? Do they rely on you to change your behavior so that they feel better?
Unforgivable? Is something you did/a character trait you have so “unforgivable” that it triggers/justifies their insecurity or unhappiness?
Ultimatums: Do you have to change parts of yourself in order to make them feel secure about your futures? Do they threaten to love you less if you don’t change?
Boundaries: This became my “litmus test” for toxic environments. Are you allowed to have clear boundaries? Do they respect them? Do they feel threatened by them? Do they constantly ask you to reject them?
Working on it? Have an exit plan:
Okay, so they’re working on it. Great! Here are some things to look out for:
Clearly Defined Goalposts: To say "I'm working on it" is a forever moving goalpost. “Working on it,” like all growth processes, will include fallbacks, relapses, etc. And because of that, we might not recognize when things are NOT changing, because we know they are “working on it.”
Keep an eye out for measurable actions. Some examples:a date to start therapy.
a journal to keep track of moods, patterns.
a promise (followed with action) to stop using specific words or phrases.
If those goalposts keep changing/moving, have an exit plan.
Flag Words/Phrases around Specific Behaviors: Instead of saying "you're being a dick again," try a neutral “flag word,” (like “Pikachu”) whenever they cross a clearly communicated boundary. Sounds silly, but it can avoid causing feelings of shame, insecurity, or defensiveness. If your flag words are disregarded, or if they change their tactic but you still feel the same way after… have an exit plan.
Practice “Hard Boundaries” AND “Soft Boundaries”: “Soft boundaries” are flexible for emergency situations (eg, “no meetings during lunch.”) “Hard boundaries” are inflexible (“I leave at 5pm.”). Too many soft boundaries and you will betray yourself, too many hard boundaries and you are controlling. If you are punished for having hard boundaries… have an exit plan.
Hold your ground:
The storms will get tumultuous. Some anchors to stay grounded:
“No.” The hardest thing to start for fear of repercussion. Resist the urge to calm the storm with apologies, takebacks, boundary softening. Practice “no” often so it gets less scary.
Boundaries are an act of love. Not control. You are showing them how you love yourself. THAT you love yourself. Reflect on the difference between Love and Control, because they can look the same. Eg: Making someone stay home because I feel emotionally safer that way: Love? or Control?
How they react to boundaries is simply information. We are trained to be scared to set boundaries because we are scared of hurting the other person or being seen as selfish. But if they respond with dismissal, anxiety, resentment, or indifference — they are simply informing you of who they are, and how much space they can make for you. Nothing more, nothing less.
What are your values? What do you value in healthy relationships? In a partner? What makes you feel safe? What makes you feel loved? Root the answers in YOU and not the person you are with. Be specific. Return often. Core values give you something objective to evaluate if your needs are being met.
And finally, some resources.
Domestic Violence hotlines. I’ll say this right now: Emotional abuse is violence. It rearranges our well-being, our psyche, our sense of safety. We experience PTSD. It takes lifetimes to recover. Do not downplay that shit.
Hotlines are trained to give advice. Examples:
How can I tell if I’m in an abusive relationship? Signs to look out for
My friend is in an abusive relationship. How can I help them?
I’m not ready to leave but I’m thinking about it. Can you help me come up with an exit strategy?
The biggest one I know of is Safe Horizon. Some organizations are specifically trained to work with survivors of color, such as Womankind, an NYC-based org that provides culturally-conscious support for Asian and immigrant survivors.Talk about your situation. Do not get tricked into silence/isolation - that cuts you from your lifeline. You also often learn that you are not alone, you are not crazy, many share your experience. We avoid sharing for a number of reasons:
They’ll think I’m stupid for allowing this behavior to happen.
I want them to like my partner as a person.
They will tell me to leave and judge because I stay.
Abusers convince you your friends don’t get you. Or may physically isolate you.
In conclusion
I hope these tips reached someone who needed them today. I speak on this topic often because dialogue is tremendous empowerment. Thank you for reading.
I’ll close with one of my core values: To me, the opposite of Love is not Hate - it is Fear, Guilt, and Shame. If I must choose, may I always choose Love.
Wishing you a lifetime of choosing Love.
-Jess