On shutting down in the face of trauma re-activation… then trying again.
This post goes out to my friends struggling to remain anchored, present, and grounded when traumas are re-activated.
When even the most protected, secure, and privileged felt deep erosions of safety, 2020 has been a specific kind of unraveling for trauma survivors. That was my experience, at least: a resurfacing of shit I thought I healed fully from, left ‘in the past,’ made irrelevant. I found myself in a constant state of hypervigilance (sometimes, terror). At the end of the year, I deep-dived into my personal relationship with safety.
I learned that safety, for me, was a narrow space. And when I felt unsafe, I became a different person.
“Unsafe,” for trauma survivors, is a dangerous and mind-numbing place.
It is not just a worry or anxiety. It is a memory. Our brains cannot tell the difference between the past, present and future, especially when trauma becomes re-activated. The upheaval of 2020 told trauma survivors that “the past” is much closer than we think. That the complex coping strategies we built are fragile as fuck when confronted with ongoing, unpredictable, consistent erosions of safety.
In the face of re-activation, I shifted between periods of immobilization, judgment, re-centering, and exhaustion. I spent 2020 hurtling into personal fears, over and over and over again. And because shutting down stopped helping me, I had to open my eyes and stare every time we collided.
With practice (and therapy), I learned the ways my body held trauma, became intimate with how it protected me. I learned how to name safety and seek it, and it is a constant practice (and battle) of being vulnerable, open, and curious when every part of me insists on shutting down.
If you, too, find yourself here, please remember: it is extremely difficult work to remain grounded and aware during these moments. And it is worth it to keep trying.
In case these tips are helpful.
Recognize your signs of “un-safety”. How do you behave when you feel unsafe? What happens to your body?
Speak to yourself with kindness. Shutting down, compartmentalizing, spiraling, etc are forms of safety seeking. Knowing this makes it easier to find compassion. So instead of chastising yourself or getting frustrated…
…Ask your inner, scared you what it needs. EVERY DAY. Shift into nurture mode. When in a hypervigilant state, “higher-level” thoughts and activities become difficult. Meet your needs where they are, and redefine “productivity” according to your tolerance/safety. But really listen to what scared you says.
Create grounding routines to stay present. It is exhausting for a taxed brain to come up with new “self-care” activities in the moment. So have a plan. For me: the same 5 yoga positions. Sensory foods (crunchy fruits, hot drinks). Low lights.
Journal simply. Focus on the absolute absolute basics: What does your body feel? What does it WANT and NEED, RIGHT NOW? (Those two questions are enough to anchor you through waves.)
This gets EXHAUSTING. So commit to finding safety, soothing, celebration, and joy (without doing harm to self or others). I do not tell myself I must stay in this space to “move through it.” I do not allow guilt to keep me trapped here. Self-nurturing is not an act of harm. It is an act of survival.
This is still an ongoing reflection, so I may add more as I go.
Do you have tips that help keep you grounded? Did this resonate with you? Comment below, or share this post with a friend.
Wishing you gentleness these coming weeks.
Love,
Jess.