On Choosing "AND" for More Self-Love.
JESS
This is an excerpt from my May 2020 Newsletter, where I nerd out about emotions and language and offer a monthly journal prompt. Click here to sign up for future newsletters.
“I’ve worked SO hard to get to this place of love. Loving people, trusting them. Loving myself. But the world is so ugly these days, Jess. More and more I want to respond with anger, hate — like old me. I am really struggling with these conflicting parts.”
On duality, and choosing "And."
There is so much power in replacing “but” with “and” during difficult conversations with others.
Tell a partner: “I love you, but what you say hurts me.” Unconsciously, “I love you” becomes negated by what comes after; one statement minimizes the other. Interestingly, it also binds the two together: we cannot talk about me being hurt without ALSO talking about whether I love you.
Tell a partner: ”I love you, and what you say hurts me.” These "conflicting" statements can now co-exist as individual truths. It also creates separation: we CAN talk about me being hurt, without questioning whether I love you. By definition, “and” includes and expands.
This applies when confronting a “past” self.
When we grow:
We might overcome a mindset so completely that we emerge a different person. We think: this new self replaces, or negates, the old self.
We might identify parts of our lives as harmful to growth. We think: these parts of our story must be minimized in order to live fully. So we minimize, we replace, we make intentional choices to honor our new maximized selves.
And when these past selves inevitably “return” (because they are all still parts of you), conflict arises. We think: "New self” cannot thrive if “old self” is in the same space.
With “and” mentality, they CAN co-exist.
Your new self includes and expands upon your past self.
When you say, "I have worked hard to grow AND I am experiencing past patterns," you are acknowledging your growth, your hard work, while still showing love and compassion for who you were and where you have been.
Yes, you CAN love humanity AND be furious and heartbroken by it. You can love yourself AND have unkind thoughts towards yourself. You can love your parent AND want boundaries with them. You can embrace culture AND find it problematic. You can love someone AND decide you must leave them. You can have self-worth AND grapple with it in new relationships.
You just can.
If you struggle to navigate your conflicting selves, remember this: Choosing “AND” creates space for complete acceptance. In many ways, choosing "and" creates more space for love.